because sometimes this is how I pray

Sometimes when the soul is weary

Im caught in the knowledge Im supposed to fear thee

But then I just go about spending my hours wasting my time

Till the voice and breath of God is released in a rhyme

The soul longs for rest, I cant give it that

My brain, my mind is consumed by the world's math

And Im told that there is a solution breathing deep within the word

And if I come to him and speak, my prayers will personally be heard

But the boy's heart cant bring himself to his knees

Rather seek that peace in the things of me

And sometimes when you are restless the last thing you want to do is to sit and wait

Dont want to sit and wallow in the hate

That is brewing within

Somehow, Im sure, connected to my continuous sins

But the voice of God in conquers straight through

Teaching and preaching in the hearts of me and you

His voice emits from our mouths, from our tongues and our lips

In our actions, our thoughts, into our hands like a gift

But the heart is unsure and the mind wants something else

the heart is directionless and the mind just needs help

But the prayer of God powers through

And in your heart, a new song starts to grew

A love song, about me and you

About the air and the breeze

About how our souls can break free

About the way a man runs across a field

Love expresses itself in the reflection of steel

And I realize, I try to escape the love of God

I try to fight the one that not only created us all

But breathed his life into our souls

So that we can realize that LOVE is our end goal

He shows it through everything

Through the songs we sing

Both in church and at home

In the pews and when we are alone

In the organs and violins

And the hardcore rhymes which helps you feel the sting

And even though we often equate this beauty to the others

Trying to open our eyes is the great heavenly Father

My eyes are closed, my hands stretched out reaching for something new

But I fail to realize you've planted a tree in me that keeps bearing more fruit

Each piece new every day

Each piece rediscovered in a fresh revitalizing way

And hes penetrating through my mind and fingers

Like the holiest and most majestic of singers

But my heart doesn't feel it

Do you understand when I say my soul can't really conceive it?

I know what you are saying to me, trust me

But maybe I am still learning to believe that its good to be free

Trapped in the system of authority

Maybe I've yet to fully understand that all you've ever wanted was me

Maybe my prayer is bittersweet

But maybe right now thats where you want it to be...

the future needs a big kiss

What did you want to be when you were younger? What motivated you and kept you going? What were your dreams (both conscious and unconscious) filled with?

As children, many of us had big plans for our lives; HUGE plans for the future. We dreamed of being spacemen and spacewomen; being explorers of the unknown and literally pushing the boundaries of the human capacity. Others dreamed of being firemen, doctors, and veterinarians because we wanted to devote our futures to caring for others. There was just something satisfying about taking a toy medical set and magically healing someone, just to let them know that "they were all better". Others, like myself, dreamed of being a professional hockey player in the NHL. I did not start playing ice hockey until grade five, but years before that I just knew that I had it in me. I certainly did not dream of being in the OHL or almost making the NHL, I dreamed about being in the NHL.

The question now is what happened? Did reality hit? Did we realize that being an astronaut was a foolish goal? Did we come to the conclusion that there really is more to life than simply just "helping people out"? I mean, we have to help ourselves out first, right? Did I realize I did not have the capacity to excel at a professional level in any and every sport? What happened?

Obviously as we get older we see things in a broader light and we begin to understand what is practical and what is not; what is feasible and what is foolish. Let's face it: if i have not realized that my dreams of making the NHL are over by now, my life would be headed towards utter chaos and disappointment. As we grow up, we learn to adjust the wild and endless dreams we used to have.

But maybe as we have grown up, we have adjusted them too much, or we have forgotten how to dream altogether. Reality hits us so hard, perhaps, that we no longer strive for the unimaginable, but rather we strive for what is do-able; what seems like the right thing to do. When we think of the future, less and less do our eyes widen and our hearts beat faster at the mere thought of the potential of our lives. Think about it: the potential of our lives. When we were kids, we certainly had big dreams and in no way did we want to just be normal. We wanted to be the best; we wanted to literally have our lives stretched as far as possible to do what we were meant to do. And as I survey many of my peers and older, I begin to realize that that idea of doing what we were meant to do is fading. Our dreams become smaller, and our view of ourselves become slightly more unattractive, unappealing, and typical.

So what do we strive for now? Of course there are some who still have big dreams of the fancy cars, big mansion, and packs of girls following them around and clinging onto their every word. Sure there are people like that, but lets face it: most of the time their motives are selfish and embarrassing, and, honestly, it's hard to call that dreaming big. As children we were dreaming about the full potential of who we could be, not what we could own or how many letters or inches we on.

But for the society that I am a part of, as a majority, it seems we strive for one key thing: stability. We like the idea of being stable. We like the idea of having enough money to put food on the table; to keep gas in the engine, and occasionally spoil ourselves on a shopping spree. We like the idea of having the same job forever: that if it pays well and the co-workers are nice, there really is not anything else more you can ask for. We like the idea that a tornado will not sweep through our city tomorrow morning and our house will not be reduced to a pile of scrap wood. We like that stability, and let's be honest, who wouldn't? They are fairly reasonable things to want, so why would we not desire them?

But the real issue here is not that we want this, but that this is what our dreams have diminished to: stability. We went from wanting to explore the deepest regions of outer space to wanting a house in a safe community. Really the sad part of this is that our dreams of stability really lead us towards a stagnant life. People in middle to upper-class Western society seem to strive to make their way into a cyclical lifestyle that neither progresses or advances; instead, like a cycle, it boringly just goes around in a circle. The life I believe many are working towards, and many are currently already in, is a goal of being able to find a nice paying job that will provide financially for them and their family, and in turn will create a comfortable lifestyle and comfortable atmosphere for them to continue working with their job so they will not get fired, and stay in their position so they can provide financially for them and their family...

Don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of responsibility, but again I must repeat myself, is this what our be-all-and-end-all dreams have diminished to? Have we just adopted a mindset of settling and just finding a comfortable niche that we can call our home for the rest of our lives until we die? Once we hit this cycle, are we just counting the days until it is over, or are we truly striving to live everyday to the fullest; striving to live our lives to their fullest? We have narrowed our views on ourselves and we are so quick to crush anything inside us that is telling us that we can be more. We have come a long way from our imaginative and wild dreams, to now, where our dreams are, well, just practical. It is hard to change the world and make a difference if our biggest and wildest hopes and goals for ourselves are merely restricted by practicality and reality. I am starting to understand more and more what Jesus meant when he said "Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it".

I work with a lot of children and youth throughout the year and, naturally, am exposed to many of their plans for the future. Some of them want to be superheroes, while others want to be musicians, while some want to be construction workers. Money, fame, and status usually have nothing to do with their decisions, rather they are motivated by this idea that they can change the world; that they can have an dramatic impact on the world, and they can play their part in making it a better place. I pray that as they grow up, that the world they so desire to save will not taint them, but rather, they will strive to break free from normality and never forget how to dream big.

spiritual battles

standing on the side looking in
looking at the big picture but cant get over that one thing
the thing that makes me doubt who i am
the one that makes me doubt if i can
feelings of inadequancy mixed with ideas of humility
the ideas of peace never seemed so hard to reach
or hard to handle
my wisdom and knowledge at a stand still
getting really hard not to flip the channel
or watch the episode that plays in front of me
makes me look at the future and question what i see
that the path set out for me
is no longer lined with faith, but reality
im asking you, where to next, where do i go?
but the answer you've given me I just cant unfold
so i keep going not knowing where im heading
just confirmation that i am clueless in my setting
but i check myself and understand the victory
is in Him, he who gives me peace and sets me free
and that the thigns around, see
are not the things of reality
but the angels and demons fighting around me
see, i gotta understand this spiritual warfare
is so close you can almost feel your clothes tear
because the devil is scared that something powerful is happening
that the children he's moulded are turning from their sin
and are learning to tell the truth instead of lie
did i honestly think that it was gonna be a free ride?
Nah, the devil is lurking and attacking the way I live
because he knows he cant mess with the heart of a kid
so he goes after me because my heart can be hardened
i can feel the frustration starting
but I need to check myself, and rely on the Lord
Not be impatient but look forward to the peace he has in store
and absorb
Lord, give me more, more, more
cast out the devil, replace with the Lord
Help me not to struggle with these feelings of inadequancies
Damn, I've been telling the kids they have the Holy Spirit inside of thee
So dont let anyone tell you your worth nothing and you cant do anything
when you got something much bigger, you're guarenteed a win
Help me to remember because the devil likes to fool
make you actualize grace like its based on rules
when actual grace can only be accepted by those who
forget themselves and find themselves new
rooted in you

let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

Today at Tuesday UP worship, my brother in Christ was leading music and mentioned something really profound (in my opinion). As we sang for more of Jesus in our lives, he really convicted us with this word from the Lord.

"When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD."
-Exodus 34:29

Moses desired more of God, and God granted that wish; in other words, I feel like it is safe to say that Moses was blessed with the glory of God because he was in the presence of God. And it showed! When he came back down to the Israelites, his face was radiant; everybody knew there was something dramatically different. IN the next verse, it actually states that people were afraid to look at Moses' face, just as to see the face of God is overwhelmingly holy. As a result, Moses had to wear a veil which he only took off in the presence of God.

My brother challenged us with this message: if Moses' face glowed with radience when his encounter with God was merely external, how come we, who now have God INSIDE of us, do not glow even greater? Do we not crave it enough? Or are we ignoring the true power and truth to Emmanuel; God with us?

I think part of the reason why we do not shine as brightly as we should be is that we do not have the faith in the real impact of God in our hearts, minds, soul, and body. For one reason or another, we are scared to unleash the power of God in our lives; possibly being frightened at the idea that we can no longer be ourselves. When people see us, do we honestly want them to see God, or do we want them to see us? Maybe the first step is admitting that we need to be a whole lot better at seeing God active and profound in us.

I think I have always questioned what it means for people to notice a difference in myself as a Christian. I think through meditating on this truth from the Word, I am beginning to feel like God fully in us actually creates some sort of tangible aura that people just feel, see, hear, taste. I think it is more than just the words we speak, or the actions we take. Perhaps when we allow God to shine through us, and that when the idea of God presence in us really sinks in, we actually start to ooze the spirit, just as Moses' face glowed.

celebrating celebrities

Today I was watching Paris Hilton's British Best Friend. This is now my second time in the past 3 months watching this show, and both times have been both entertaining and brain numbing. Never has something been so entertaining because it was so incredibly stupid.

For those that do not know the premise of the show, it goes as follows. A reality competition follows a group of British girls (and one very content boy) who fight to become Paris Hilton's British best friend. Paris puts them through various competitions and tasks to "prove their love for her" and show how much they really want her friendship. I am assuming she had a show called Paris Hilton's Best Friend, and is now searching for something more exotic (but only slightly). I am assuming next season, she will acquire a Latino BF.

Maybe it is just the people I surround myself with or the media I chose to attend to, but I had this notion that most people hated Paris Hilton; or at the very least thought her as a concept (rich dumb girl that does nothing and becomes famous) to be embarrassing to humanity and its race. However, on this show, the contestants are in complete awe of her. Here are a few examples:

• In a truth or dare game, one contestant was asked "What is the most important thing to you, and if Paris asked for it, would you give it to her?". The contestant responded that her heart was most important to her, and if Paris asked for it, she would give it to her. Talk about disgusting.
• One of the contestant's friends was asked how the contestant spoke about Paris. He responded that if the contestant ever had a God, Paris would be it. The blasphemy does not even bother me; rather its the sheer pathetic nature of this.
  

And of course, the contestants cannot stop raving about how Paris possesses the characteristics of a natural goddess. In their eyes, Paris is the pure depiction of mercy, love, and sensitivity. Not to mention, she is the portrait of wisdom and class. I do not think I need to explain the absurdity of this statement.

Nonetheless, watching (and admittingly enjoying) this show got me thinking of why people are so mezmorized by celebrities. I am not talking about loving Sidney Crosby because he is a great hockey player or watching all Matt Damon movies because you think he is a talented actor. I am talking about those nuts that consistently follow John Mayer on Twitter, the people that run those TV Shows that seem far to interested in Kate Winslet's pregnancy, or individuals that tell themselves that the Olsen twins are their biggest life inspirations.

I guess it really is not my say to pass judgement on how one distributes his or her respect, but at the very least, I question the motives or mentality behind this adoration. What makes someone reach this level of obsession with someone they have only encountered on television? Perhaps it is a desire for living like someone or something they are not; the idea of living vicariously through someone who has it all?

What many of these people maybe need to do is wake up from their dreamland, or as Mr. Matthers would say "snap back to reality". Most of these people are not really running from their horrible lives, but their mundane, ordinary, and boring lives. Perhaps these people need to be reminded that their "ordinary" lives are not necessarily boring, but rather there are more subtle excitements and joys of life they have not yet explored in their own lives. I think we all tend to wish we were someone else; wish we were doing something better. I think having a drive to live life greater is important, but I think there is a danger when we decide our lives would be better if it were not its own, but rather that of someone "better" or more "glamorous".

talk is cheap

I wonder at what age do we start to let our ability to verbally communicate take over our ability to act? Have you ever been engaged in a conversation with a child where he or she just cannot explain him or herself? For example, they could be asking to do something, or go somewhere, but just cannot get the words out properly. But their bodies are itching to go; their feet are constantly shifting and their eyes keep wandering. They don't want to explain what they want to do, they just want to do it!

I think this is what Jesus means when He says we are to come to Him like a child. As adults we have lost the art of doing. Instead, we have gotten so caught up in elaborate, almost bourgeois, theology. We like to talk about what it means to be a Christian; and God forbid we should reach the conclusion of some simple answer like "to be a Christian is to love"...that's "devaluing" our faith. Further, in church, we are immersed in the teachings of the word, but more often than it should occur, we, as a church, do not turn to the word when we are looking for answers to the "real" life issues. What do we do with all these darn homeless people who keep wandering through our building? We lock the doors to make sure our walls stay white; our children stay safe from the "evil people of the world". God forbid we should find a homeless man sleeping on a pew bench on a cold winter night! That's not what the church is for. Pews are for worship, right?

As Christians we love the idea of praying for things. Don't get me wrong, there is power in prayer. As believers, we are called to pray for things; to lift things up to God because we know that He is the powerful one and he is the one that provides all good things. Prayer is important, don't get me wrong. But may I suggest that there is also mediocrity in just praying for everything?

If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed" but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead...But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds". Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

It is easy to tell someone we will pray for them; it is easy to pray for world peace. We "give it up to God" and let Him take care of it, because we are just mere humans right? I feel like often times when we pray for things, we are immediately given the answer to our questions, and that answer is us. If we pray for healing in the world, God tells us that we can heal the world. If we pray for friends, God tells us that we are to pour love on that friend by giving them our time. Sure, there are many things that we pray for because we acknowledge that we are more or less useless; in other words, we realize we need God to be God. But also know that God empowers human beings to do great things; to be representatives of his greatness and power. If we pray, we must be willing to accept that God might use us as the response.

Is it easier to fill out our "religious beliefs" on our Facebook page than actually let people judge if our actions are in line with that of Christ? The book of James seems to be telling us that our faith is legitimized by our actions: that our actions really define how strong and how big our faith is. It is like the kid that talks about how good he is at a sport until you actually play him and find out he sucks. He may know the perfect strategy and have the plays and moves figured out to a science, but he has no idea how to apply it to his own game. In the same way, a lot of times, us Christians talk cheap. We know everything we can know about the character of a righteous Christian, but that's all we know. We know what love is, but we do not know how to love; or perhaps we choose not to learn.

Who is hungry? Who is poor? Be careful if you pray for these people...God may just point to your fridge or wallet when he answers.

death and all his friends

Part of me is hesitant to write this post because it is just too cliche. But it is something I have had to remind myself of in the past few days, and I feel like it is something that has been trapped in my brain and needs to find its way to paper (or our 2009 technological equivalent). So here goes.

A couple days ago, my friend and I were talking about death. I mentioned how I try to remind myself that I could die at any time. He was a bit hesitant to agree, as he felt that a life that reminds itself of its death does not really have room to live. Where I somewhat agreed with him, I argued that it was a matter of perspective. If one reminds oneself of the frailty and spontaneity of life, there are two common responses: 1. they become so focused on death that, like my friend said, they refuse to live, seeing it as futile and meaningless. This, probably, leads to some sort of depressing or sad outlook on life and a dull and pointless existence. This, I believe, is more or less what my friend was trying to say. However, the other response, 2., is that you are constantly reminded that life is finite, but good. Instead of wasting each day, you acknowledge that at any given moment you could die, and therefore, should start figuring out what it means to live life to the fullest. Perhaps instead of waiting for "when you're older" or "when there is a better time" to fulfill all your dreams and aspirations, you begin to start taking advantage of the opportunities that are available to you a this very moment. Don't get me wrong, I am not encouraging a lifestyle of temporary, short term hedonism. Rather, I am suggesting that by acknowledging the frailty of life will we start realizing that it is a wonderful blessing and opportunity we have to partake in the task of living.

I guess it is like when you have a good meal. One of the best feelings is getting a huge and tasty meal placed right in front of you, knowing A) that is going to be good, and B) that this is just the beginning. As you get about halfway through the meal, you realize that at some point you are going to eventually finish this meal, or you will become too full to eat the rest of it. This is always a state of panic because you feel like you have wasted the first half of the meal not appreciating the mouthfuls you eagerly stuffed down your throat. So the big dilemma: half a steak, half a lump of mashed potatoes, half a cup of coffee. What do you do? Sometimes you just ignore the fact that your food is slowly decreasing in size. You reach the end, and maybe you enjoyed it, and maybe you didn't. It is a chance really. Another option is that you acknowledge that the food is going to be gone soon and spend the rest of the time moping while trying to stuff down piece by piece into your mouth. At the end, you were right: the meal is gone and, as you expected, it could have been better. The last option, however, is that you learn to appreciate the rest of the meal. You take smaller slices at a time, you chew a little slower. At the end, sure you may have some regrets and might wish that it did not end, but at least you know feel satisfied and content with the meal.

I am not sure if this analogy makes much sense or is particularity useful. What I am trying to get at is that at the end of your life do you think you will be satisfied and content? To live is a wonderful thing, possibly one of the greatest opportunities we will ever get. Question the things in your life that you want to do: is there a good reason why you are waiting to do them? There are legit reasons, I admit. For example, I want to travel the world, but I have no money. Hence when I obtain more money, somewhere in the future, I hope I will be able to travel. But right now, less money = legitimate reason not to travel. Think about your own life: maybe there are good reasons for some of the things you want in life to be put on hold, but maybe, just maybe, some of these dreams are being held back by poor reasons. Are you just waiting for a day that may or may not come? A job that pays a salary that may or may not suffice? What are you sacrificing right now to accommodate for a future that may never come? People in your life? Experiences that only come once?

If you found out that you only had one more day to live what would you do on that day? I had a discussion about this with two of my friends last week, and we all came up with interesting responses. I said a couple of things: I would hug people more, I would eat a lot with all my friends and everyone I cared about, and I would walk around downtown with my guitar or ukulele and just sing to random people. When I think about it, it is not necessarily the actions that I want to do, but the reasons behind them that I want to communicate to people before I die. I want to show people that I love them for no reason other than I love them. I want to experience my friends and family at the height of their joy (in my opinion, when they eat). And I want to give people an outlet to be vulnerable, laugh or sing in a rigid and silent society, because there is no possible way they could be more embarrassing or humiliating than the idiot with the guitar. I hope I can learn what it means to do this in my life as early as possible.

I am not saying do not set long term goals for yourself. Of course I think this is important. What I am saying is do not let your entire life depend on these goals to make you happy or to give you a sense of satisfaction, because you may never reach them. Instead, live life now: take that in whatever way it defines itself to you.