a beautiful letdown

(June 8, 2010; something I wrote in Switzerland)

Travelling around Europe for the past 3 weeks, I have seen so much, have been in so many places and moments, that have forced me to be completely and utterly struck with awe. The sorrow, scared-ness, and sanctuary of standing in one of the gas chambers at the Auschwitz-Birkenau Concentration Camp; standing under the Eiffel Tower as it lit the Parisian sky; in a sea of patriotic Germans celebrating the victory of their football club, beer everywhere and undignified joy at its greatest.

It is hard for me to describe these moments in any other way than beautiful. As I write this I am 3571 metres high on the highest point in Europe: Junfraujoch in Interlaken, Switzerland. As I simply just look out at the glaciers, endless mountains, and a blue sky that marks the border between heaven and earth, I cannot help but assume that I am in a moment of beauty. The mountains, so untouched and so untamed, contrast the busy schedule and rushed appointments of living in a big city like Toronto. It is truly amazing; I keep thinking to myself, how could something like this exist right in the middle of our busy world; how can something this beautiful be so completely hidden to the majority of people in the world.

I took out my Bible and flipped to Psalms expecting that God was going to give me some verse about his beauty or something on the power of his might and creation. Yet this is what He revealed to me: "O LORD, what is man that you care for him, the son of man that you think of him" (Psalms 144:3-4). Of all the beautiful things in the world, of all the astonishing things in His creation, people sure are a big disappointment; a beautiful letdown. We exist so far from our intended purpose, the most sacred things about us have become so vulgar, we refuse to coexist with creation and with each other because even though we were designed for community and communion, we have become a selfish breed.

So the question King David asks still boggles my mind. Who are we that you care for us, that you even think or consider us? Who am I that He finds me more beautiful than the scenery before my very eyes? To claim myself as his greatest and most treasured creation, in my head, would be sheer and utter blasphemy.

Yet, He is the one that says it, the one that treasures me; it doesn't make sense but no matter how much I try to convince Him of this, He refuses to listen. I can look out at these mountains and admit I do not know anything about them except that they are visually and emotionally pleasing. But God knows everything about me: all the dirt, all the bad thoughts I've had, the sinful things I've done, and yet He claims with confidence that I am beautiful.

Sitting at the top of Europe, over 3500 metres in the air, I can say with confidence that I know what beauty is. I can honestly say that right here, right now, I am in the midst of beauty. In this moment, I am learning what beauty is. Yet, I am realizing even more that my perception and understanding of beauty is just a small glimpse, a minute fraction, of God's definition of beauty. I know that for Him to call me beautiful, more beautiful than this moment, He is either completely out of His mind, or is working under a whole other conceptualization of beauty; one that is so far from making sense to me.

all the things we miss

It is amazing how the simple, almost spontaneous, decisions we make on a day to day basis either allow us to encounter the sweetest, most heart-whelming experiences, or miss them all completely.

Today at camp, myself and a couple leaders took all the boys to the basketball courts, about a 5 minute walk from camp, so they could get some fresh air and drain their energy. We were there for about an hour, and needless to say, the boys were going wild...sometimes good, sometimes bad. Either way, it was pretty clear, they were having fun.

At one point while we were playing, one of the 7-year-old boys who I had just met that day, informed me that he had to go to the washroom. At first, thinking it was a simple task, I asked him if he minded using a tree (since the nearest washroom was not that close, and we needed all the staff we had at the courts). He didn't mind. After about a minute, I checked to see where he was. He was standing just outside the courts staring out into the grass and trees, but showing no sign that he was ready to interact with nature. I went over and asked him what was wrong, and he informed me that he had to go #2. Right away I knew the trek to the washroom may be worth it after all. I asked him if he could hold it until we got to the church; he modestly affirmed.

Not knowing the boy too well, I was able to have a nice conversation with him as we walked back. It's always nice to know that while all human beings generally like to be loved and talked to, children are usually not afraid to initiate and reciprocate this (as opposed to adults who generally play it safe at first). The whole time I could not help but think, "one day, I hope this kid becomes a leader in this community".

As we got to the church doors, which are always locked, we rang the doorbell and waited for someone to open it for us. Understandably, this took awhile as camp was still going on on the inside with the girls. As we waited, I asked my new buddy if he was doing okay. Quite possibly the saddest thing one can hear was found in his response: "it's too late". Now with kids, you can never really be sure how much of a story or answer is exaggerated or just, to be blunt, made up. But after a bit of questioning, I started to come to the realization that he was in no state nor leverage to be lying. Finally someone opened the door and we made our way to the washroom.

As I stood outside the doors of the washroom while he "finished what he started", I waited for him. From time to time, I would ask him how he was doing, only to get a response sadder than the next. Let's just say I derived from his answers and descriptions of what was going down, it was a messy situation. Not scared or sad, but probably moreso out of embarrassment or just plain uncomfortableness, he politely asked me if I could call his mom and ask if she could pick him up. It is completely understandable...children can be the worst bullies, and this week seemed to have a "you smell like cheese" mentality. After talking with his mom, who was unable to pick him up due to work, we realized that he had an extra pair of shorts with him. After little convincing, he agreed that he could clean himself up and change into his spare shorts.

When he was all done, he came out and I asked him if he and the washroom were both clean. While he was clean, he admitted that as far as the washroom went, he tried his best. While he knew it was his responsibility, he also knew it was not something he was excited to come to camp for that morning. Without much thought and much deliberation, I offered to go in and help him. While he was grateful, he kept informing me that it was not something I probably want to see. As we walked back to the washroom, I had a good 20 second conversation with him about how stuff like this happens to the best of us.

As we got in, sure there was some cleaning to do and it was not as bad as he described, my buddy and I started to work. During that time, I was reminded of a similar experience that took place 6 years ago in the same washroom with myself, my friend from church, and a missing perpetrator. Nonetheless, my new buddy and I had a good chat while we got friendly with the floors. Teaching him basic things like layering your paper towel in case it rips, and why we should get in the habit of thanking custodians, I can honestly say it was the most enjoyable time and conversation I've had at camp in the past two days. He was cute, honest, and simply just happy to be wiping poo off the men's washroom floor with me...and so was I.

After we were all done, I walked with him back to the cubby area so he could put his bag away. Just as he was telling me how horrible he felt, I accidentally ran my forehead right into a metal bar against the wall. As much as it hurt, it was even more funny for the two of us to laugh about. As he put it, "now we both feel horrible!".

When I reflect back on this story, it is interesting to think of how many chances I had throughout that half hour period to make decisions that would either allow me to get to know him better or not. Most obviously, it is pretty straight forward in my mind how I could have just as easily told him to clean the washroom himself; I mean after all, its not my mess, and it's certainly not my job to be cleaning toilets. Yet at that moment, it seemed like there was something blocking my ability to reason; a little voice that just carelessly spoke on behalf of my brain. But I am glad that it intercepted the signal to my brain, the signal telling me that cleaning poo does not equal fun, because I was able to share a funny but memorable moment with my new friend.

And really that is what is so interesting about it: our desire to jump at opportunities regardless of the crap (sometimes literally) that stands in between. It makes me think how many opportunities, great opportunities, we miss in life, on a day to day basis, just because something so minor is in the way. I do not even think it's necessarily about making the right decisions, rather I think it is about having the intentional mindset to seize opportunities...from there, the decisions are made spontaneously. If we are so focused on the end, the goal, then the means and how we arrive at it, no matter how disgusting or unappealing it is to you, will be seen as a blessing.

A couple minutes later when everyone came back to camp, and we started work on their talent show for the community, my buddy came up to me and asked me if I wanted to join him in his group. It's fun to make new friends.