what makes us great

the father of stability

one thing i constantly ask for is peace

cuz i know that from time to time i cant see clearly

it gets harder and harder to see your love for me

gradually

still you open my eyes, teach me humility

teach me how to be free

so im thinking i gotta learn to pursue

to redefine the definition of communion with you

learning to live without lack of proof

some may call it the faith of a fool

sometimes i feel like that fool too

its crazy how the devil keep bringing me down

keeps me forgetting that im already found

or maybe showing me that my safe is not what its cracked up to be

should be sitting beside the throne, but the devil he got me on my knees

making me plea

making me bleed

making me think my soul aint free

nah, man, thats not the definition of me

i feel you speaking into my life, into my soul

speaking and saying you paid my toll

and you are trying to show me your love everyday

trying to show me you love the sinners, the sick, the poor, and the gay

because thats who i am, ive whored myself to the world

you aint a merciless God, you aint gonna hurl

its the strange thing about grace you give to me

its like im in the middle of war and you are offering me peace

i dont really know what to do with it

its like my heart or my feelings dont know how to deal with it

its like i got the answer, but my mind is still looking for conflict

so i say agian that this is the way i gotta pray

its like my brain is spilling cuz i opened it with a blade

and put it on a page

like my heart is on fire and it blaze

truth be told i feel it all the time

the need to reciprocate and open my mind

to release the demons that haunt my body

to be real with myself honestly

its been so long since i have met you here

its like ive stopped in the headlights like a deer

cuz youre forcing me to look into the mirror

i cant run, you are always near

so i stay clear

try to run from there

take the wheel and steer

away from here

then i hit the wall

my brakes stall

i stumble, i fall

and then i hear the call

its saying come back to me

its begging me, its saying please

its on its knees, hear the plea

saying you are only found full in me

you are only found great in thee

Lord help me to remember this daily

help me not to live this life safely

only walking in the truth; its not always the easiest path to take

Lord trust me, sometimes its something i really hate

but its what it takes

to understand what makes you, what makes me, truly great

its the closest we got to divinity until we see you face to face.

growing up

As it is with all growing, maturing, puberty driven boys, grade 6-8 can be a rough time of trying to figure out who you are and what life is all about. Naturally, during this age, what other people think of you is high on your priority list, and its funny how one can look back and see all the silly and stupid things he or she did just to fit in.

All my life, I have been that guy that has had a teddy bear. I am not sure what it is, whether it is a mere comforting item, or if it serves more so as a good old reliable friend that I can count on...not sure what it is, but I like sleeping with a teddy bear. When I was younger, friends used to come over quite often, and my first and foremost priority was to make sure they did not know I slept with a teddy bear. Closet, under the extra comforter: it was my standard hiding place for it. My teddy bear was something so essential to who I was; there was an incredible intimacy that it represented. Yet, it was so far removed from the identity I defined myself through.

In the same time as my "teddy bear censorship" part of life, another thing I hated was going to the mall with my mom. Whether it be a boy's quest to achieve manhood, or the sheer negative conitations that came along with going shopping with your mommy, all I knew was that cool guys 1. did not sleep with a teddy bear and 2. did not shop with their moms. During this time, I was also too young to stay at home (according to my parents..and if you know me well, know that I had a certain phobia with being home alone for several years), so if my mom went somewhere, chances are I had no other choice but to accompany.

See the thing about malls is that they are the perfect setting to hold multiple sub-cultures and generations. Certain stores allow for certain people to feel in their own element; certain coffee shops provide certain people the proper setting for them to work or chat with a friend over a drink. Old people like to walk together, middle aged men and women like to look at things. Teens, from my experience, like to "chill". Usually in some sort of sitting area, you can often find a group of teens just "chilling". Most of the time, there is one guy, often with a Justin Bieber sort of vibe to him, with his arm around his significant-other-Miley-Cyrus girlfriend. You may also find the other guy, in some sort of cool pose...perhaps with one foot proped up on a bench, similar to a modern day Michaelangalo's "Thinking Man". The mall was a place you went to "chill".

See when you go shopping with your mom, you are stuck in a conundrum. Because, as a teen, your job in a mall is to chill. Moms, on the other hand, do not chill at malls. Furthermore, even if your mom was hip like that, the last thing a teenage boy wants to do is chill with their mom at the mall. Needless to say, going to the mall with my mom was something I dreaded the most because I feared what people would think of me. Perhaps people would get the impression that I had nothing else better to do, or, worse, that deep down, I was a momma's boy, and all the playground cred that I worked so hard to develop at school really held no validity in the real world. Going to the mall with my mom, all I ever wanted to do was leave as soon as possible in fear that someone would see me. Trust me, from first hand experience, it is hard to act cool in front of your friends when you are with your mom in the ladies department. Ive pulled it off before, but my friends were only so gullible.

Junior High was one of the worst times for me as far as trying to fit in, trying to be cool, and trying to maintain some sort of image that I believed would impress others.

In my first year at Queen's, your residence room is open to the rest of your floor, 30 some odd strangers. Your bed is the open chair for whoever, at any time. There is no privacy, not even if you just came out of the shower, and all you have on is a towel. For me, there was no place to hide my teddy bear, it remained on my bed at all times. And guess what, you realize that people do not care. That people do not care if you sleep with one or not (if anything, girls find it cute).

Two days ago, I went to the mall with my mom; the very same one that all my friends used to go to, the one I hated to be seen at in the wrong context. Not once was I scared that people would see me; not once did I try to avoid certain places that might make me more vulnerable. We ate lunch in the middle of the food court, not too far from the highschool students that were there on their lunch break. As we were leaving, we bought a 7lb lobster from the supermarket: it made me quite happy. I left the mall that day in the positive.

You look back and you realize that junior high was so long ago, that stuff like that merely does not phase you anymore. You realize that the things that consumed your life, the people that you feared the most, really do not hold any leverage on you anymore.

I wonder how many people out there today still deal with these problems. The girl who spends hours in front of the mirror before she goes out into the public, the guy who hits the gym day in and day out just so people do not think of him as scrawny anymore. Sure, we have insecurities, and sure we may not fit the mould of what we think the world wants, or what we think other people desire of us, but at the end of the day, how much of it really matters?

What I think the world needs more of are people that just dont mind being themselves. It is too easy to see people submitting to fashion, to expectations, to standards. Hey, if you like fashion, do it; if you want to be jacked, go for it. Im not saying don't do what you want to do, all I am saying is do it because you want to do it. Dont spend your whole life living for the approval of someone or something because in the end, best case scenario you gain their approval, they will quickly realize you are a sham and everything you are was simply an act. It is funny how we deal so much with insecurities, and yet the most secure thing we know is ourselves. It takes a courageous person to be themselves; it takes a bold person to stay true to who they are, knowing that the people that respect and care for them do so because they love the person he or she is. It takes a grounded individual to experience love in its most truest and sincere form.

Sure, I can still hide my teddy bear when people come over, but junior high was so long ago...

prayers of the lowly

Here you see, there you go

Another time in the flow

Open my eyes from time to time, and yet

Still I retreat to the shadow of death

But then it comes, one, twice, again

The darkest questions forced upon men

Hit me everytime I try to move forward

And I understand that the pieces aren’t in order

And its funny because the heart is being tugged at

But the brain is the only thing working at the end of the aftermath

And I cry to my heart and my soul to contemplate whats going on

And wonder why its missing, the very thing that I long

As if my life switch aint turned on

Or that its being drowned out by a much louder song

So I retreat into the dark night, into the quiet of the noise

Occupy myself with these material toys

While you wait for me, and I try to long for you

Man, I keep trying, but this song aint new

I cant exactly figure out what you say when this relationship takes two

Or perhaps its because im sitting on a throne made of fools

I worry too much, as if there are answers waiting for me

I understand the vision, but I don’t really know how to see

My eyes, they are old, my brain seems to be working less and less

And sometimes I feel like my soul has digressed

I thought that if I long for you, you’d answer

Appreciate our distance as righteous anger

And come down and reveal yourself to me

And release me from these bars, letting me free

And yet I acknowledge what I need

And wait to be free

And I look around, and I cant seem to see

The presence of a saviour, or even a comforter

Or even just the hand of a brother

Or maybe Im too scared to ask

That its waiting for me and I choose not to climb the raft

Maybe theres something happening where im not taking the next step

That im looking for it in the right, when I should be exploring the left

Maybe im deaf

Maybe im drowning in my other problems, at best

But you favour perseverance

You say that if I have you, I don’t even need my hearing

Because you penetrate my soul when I am unaware

You exist and believe in me when I don’t care

Theres something present about you when Im not even there

Or when I don’t seem to be aware

So ill say it again and again

Even though I know I could be doing so much more

The first step is asking

It’s the acknowledgement that’s going to start the happening

So ill ask again, each and every night

Penetrate my life.

insight from a friend

"God calls you to the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet"

love, sex, the whole damn thing...

Sexuality has always existed, and yet, at the same time, it has not. While we cannot deny that people have had sexual orientations, preferences, and desires since the dawn of time, my almost complete undergraduate history degree has taught me that "sexuality", as we think of it today, has not always existed.

In the late 19th Century, North America saw the arrival of a group of scientists, theorists, and intellectuals who called themselves the Sexologists. Now, as the name suggests, you would think that this would be some sort of Justice-League style group of superheroes that save the world (or give the world..whatever your preference may be) of sexuality. While they may have done something along those lines, they did something far more interesting. Sexologists began to coin terms such as homosexual and heterosexual, grouping individuals within society into these categorical bins. Joe was a homosexual, Jane was a heterosexual, Bill was a transvestite, Mark was scientifically concluded to be "the other".

Now before this, sexuality did not really exist; or it did not exist in the same manner. Although sexuality existed in the sense that it was real, it was not a defining factor of who one was. Nonetheless, as the Sexologists stepped on the scene, individuals were given new identities; core identities; which were ultimately marked by their sexuality.

It was not until the 1990s that a strong and collective movement was able to fight back this idea. Those that adopted "Queer Theory" acknowledged that while sexuality did exist naturally, its categories were social constructions. These constructions often were linked and influenced by concepts of power, authority, and control within society, and usually did not stand for what they actually were said to represent. These Queer Theorists promoted the idea that sexuality was a position, but not an ultimate and full marker of who one was at his or her core. While the Sexologists suggested that sexuality was static; that which could not be changed; Queer Theorists offered the counter that sexuality was in fact fluid; malleable, replaceable, and changing.

Many people, in my view, have fallen into the "sexologists trap", and may I suggest that we have a much to learn from the Queer Theorists (although hardcore Christians may have to adopt a new title...after all, aren't we against queers?).

The Westboro Baptist Church (www.godhatesfags.com) is a good place to start. The WBC, started by Pastor Fred Phelps, is located in Kansas, and is a self-proclaimed "Old School Baptist Church". What does that mean? Well, it means that they believe that they are one of the few churches left who follow the Bible according to scripture. More important to this topic is that they believe that it is their responsibility to preach to the world, as they say scripture professes, hate for individuals who support things like abortion, publicized sexuality, and homosexual rights. They are well known for their protests and demonstrations at american soldiers' funerals, proclaiming their message that men like these are dying as punishment for the United States' acceptance of homosexual rights. This goes nicely with their "GOD HATES FAGS" and "AIDS CURE FAGS" signs, which they happily hold.

Now why do I mention them? Although I do not known anyone personally that 1. believes what they are doing is right, and 2. has taken their faith into such a ridiculous extreme, I believe that there is still a message we can learn from them. While we may not be "the most hated family in the world", we, like the sexologists and the WBC, as people sometimes get into the habit of categorizing people instead of seeing them as individuals in and of themselves. Psychology has taught me that as humans, we tend to groups similar things together, well, because we have poor memories and believe that shortcuts (or quick triggers) help us be more efficient (while many Starcraft players nod in agreement). Sure this makes sense for lists, items, and maybe even plants. But for people?

Why is it that I can list 3 names: Lance Bass, Freddy Mercury, and Elton John, and all we can think of is one word (musicians?). But it goes beyond sexuality. It appears in the office place, on campus, within our classes, or even the food court. We love to stigmatize the individual; we love to categorize the independent.

What made Jesus an interesting character is that he saw people for who they were. In my readings of the gospel, it seems quite clear that Jesus looked past identities that society had placed on people, groups that individuals willingly or unwillingly were part of, and looked at the person right at the core of who they were. In one instance, he eats dinner with the poor-moraled thief Zaccheus, and in another, chills by a well for an afternoon with the whore of the community. The only one who, in my opinion, had a right to lay judgement onto those around him, simply didn't. Maybe, one may argue, he couldn't; because all he could see was an innocent and beautiful individual beneath all the layers.

Whether you believe in a God or not, it doesn't matter; there is a lesson to be learned. If we as humans started to see people beyond the categories society has placed them in, beyond the peripheral identities that define them, and into the core of who they were, the world would be a different place. For one, it would be a whole lot easier to love people. We love the idea of world peace and although hippies are few these days, many still believe in the banner that "love is all you need". If we started to see people for who they were, I believe that we will be able to find something good within them; something that is lovable about each and every single person you may meet.

Further, if we started to see people as individuals; if we saw Bob as Bob, and not a custodian, or saw Jane as Jane, and not the mayor; we would start giving people the credit they truly deserve. We know and interact with so many people daily, and yet most of them mean nothing to us. But when we see people as individuals in and of themselves, we begin to realize that people are more than the categories we allocate them to. Students in your class do not just think about early modern european thought all day, they experience joy; co-workers do not just make deadlines, they cry and feel pain too.

watch Tony Campolo's story of a gay son (duration- 5:14)

Homosexuals do not just have sex all day, they pray and experience faith as well.

reminder

"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying the gospel of God's grace" -Acts 20:24

life is beautiful

another one about life and time

about the beauty of love and the fineness of mine

its funny when the rest of the world can be frowning

and be telling each other their lives are f'd

but I see it that theres beauty people leaving left

on the pavement, because their hands cant carry

the infinite weight of their own priorities

and that such stupid things take seignority

still things that are dead seem to have so much authority

man, if only i could open your eyes

make you see through a different lens the beauty of life

even on a rainy day as this

even still learning about the dangers of a mist

the Lord, man, he longs to tell us this

that all we want to do is labour and toil

but the Lord God is tryign to remove from our eyes that foil

bring us that truth

take away these stupid lies, and give us anew

the wonders of life

see you dont need to make a secular playlist, right

because in the heart of God and the heart of love

all the music we hear can be from above

even the death metal, I think that theres more

than satanic cries and lustful thirst

nah nah, theres still more

didn't David write songs when he was pissed off with the Lord?

Through those angry chords

I just hear a man singing his heart out even more

sometimes than I do in church, or when Im sitting in the pews

man the cries of their hearts, in some ways, captures perfectly the truth

and captures perfectly a vision of our youth

I pray for them that they would inspire and commune

and build eachother up

Warden, man, I give you all my love

Teach and preach the beauty of life in those streets

Let the beauty of life spread and reign throughout Cataraqui

And let God keep working strong in Layton and Fir Valley

another prayer, another night

another hour the devil and angels try to fight

for my soul

its so insane that i dont even know

how much im worth to Him, how much hes fighting for

me, and all my brothers and sisters round

for the sinners, the haters, and all those that feel left out

so let my footsteps be of heaven

let my words speak of the Lord

Let each chord

be an echo so infinitely unheard

but learned